


three beatles and a cat

by sclerant (rufusrant)



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Crack, M/M, drugs are illegal in my country so i'm making this all up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:47:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23430427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rufusrant/pseuds/sclerant
Summary: George gets so high he turns into a cat.
Relationships: George Harrison/Ringo Starr
Comments: 14
Kudos: 22





	three beatles and a cat

**Author's Note:**

> happy april fools!

Someone had sent them a big packet of weed. John slapped it out of Ringo’s hands before he could smoke it all. Again—

“Uhhhhhh,” Paul said the next morning. Probably. “Anyone seen m’shoes?”

Ringo took off his Crocs and aimed at Paul’s head. 

“Thankyou,” Paul said to the smashed hotel vase. 

Ringo sniffed the air. “Where’s George?”

“What’s George?” said Paul, stepping on the ceramic. “Oww.”

“Shut the FUCK up, I’m trying to smoke,” John said, lighting the centrepiece plant on fire. The smoke alarm went off and sprinklers poured water everywhere. The cat on Ringo’s bed shrieked and jumped on the dresser. 

“George???” Ringo called, his nose up his ass. 

The cat jumped right on John’s face, but it was okay because he was a cat person. He continued smoking the god damn centrepiece. 

“My shoes don’t fit anymore,” Paul whined. “ ‘m calling Eppy for some new ones!”

“Who is Eppy,” said John. 

“What is Eppy,” countered Paul. 

“Which is Eppy.”

“Why is Eppy—”

“Why does no one ever ask  _ how _ is Eppy,” Ringo pointed out. “Why do you have a cat?”

Then sprinkler system stopped spurting. John cackled like a witch.  The universe kicked Ringo in the nose.

“OH MY GOD,” he pointed at John. “GEORGE TURNED INTO A CAT!!!!!”

John stopped smoking at once. “WHAT.”

“That’s not POSSIBLE.” Paul protested, knitting himself a tea cosy. “Ya don’t become what ya eat.”

“W—wot?” John blinked. He tore the cat off of his face. 

“BUT GEORGE HASN’T EATEN PUSSY FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS,” Ringo declared eloquently. “Because I don’t have one!”

John and Paul stared at him in shock. John dropped the cat. It hissed at him. 

“WHAT,” Paul said like a dumbass. 

“Lemme get this straight— or not—” John chortled, smoke still expelling from his mouth. “You’re queer?”

“So? You gots a problem with that???”

“Nonononononono it's cool,” John snickered. “An’ you’re saying that this weed turned our Geo into a pus—”

The cat scratched his ankle. Lemonade squirted everywhere. 

“Tha’s fair.”

“Oh, Geo!!” Paul wailed, dropping his knitting and embracing the burning centrepiece. “NOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooOOooOOooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooOOOoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!”

“Look how they massacred my boy,”  Ringo gestured at his boyfriend-turned-cat. Or cat-turned-boyfriend. He was really starting to get confused. Cat-Beatle-George licked his paw. LORDY LORDY PICCA BENICOFF, IT WAS STILL REALLY CUTE. His dick went all the way back up inside.

“Oh shit,” said John. “Is Eppy gonna be mad??”

“Of course he’s going to be mad!!!!!!!” Paul screamed because now he was on fire. “WE KILLED GEORGE!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“YOU SHUT YER TRAP! HE CAN HEAR YOU!” Ringo shouted, putting his hands over the cat’s— no, George’s— oh god, George’s ears. “We gotta bring ‘im back.” 

“Awwwww,” John pouted. “Do we really? He’s _way_ cuter like this—” 

Paul and Ringo glared at him. 

“Ok fine,” John surrendered. He snatched up Geo-in-boots. 

“Geo, I am yer supreme leader. Meow if you understand—”

“George, I’m your best friend. That one time we killed spiders when we hitch-hiked and you ‘ad to check me arse when I sat on batteries. Meow twice if you remember—”

“Catpie, remember that Cadbury in the fridge? I ate it. Change back if you want it—”

_ “No, _ Hazza,  _ I _ am your father.”

John and Ringo stared at Paul. George mewed annoyedly. 

“Oh no,” Paul broke down in tears. "We're fucked!"

“Our bad, mate,” groaned John. He bent to place Georistocat on the floor when Ringo suddenly orgasmed. 

“Sorry,” he said, seeing how John and Paul had yeeted themselves across the room. “That happens every time I have an idea—”

“You’re not used to it then?” Paul scoffed. 

“WHAT IF,” Ringo ignored him. “It’s cursed weed.”

John swallowed his lighter in confusion and choked. “woT.”

Ringo picked up Geoshire Cat and cupped its head. And then he KISSED it. 

The earth shattered. The ocean split into seven deadly sins. All the pyramids shot off into space and orbited the earth. All of New York was flooded with juice. The galaxy collapsed from the sheer abundance of peace and love. 

“WHAT THE FUCKAJJDGEHLEJFLJFOKKSHDEHLJ@:GFOU#HFOJ,” said Paul. 

The door suddenly sprang open. George stumbled through the room, high off his ass. 

“ ‘ey laddies,” he said. “What’d I...... why is Ritchie kissing Corky?”

Ringo spun around in shock and damn near dropped the cat. He screeched in glee as he tackled George in a hug.

“OH MY GOD IT WORKED!!!” He screamed. “YOU’RE NOT A CAT ANYMORE!!”

George shrugged. He and Ringo snogged happyily. John coughed up his lighter.

Paul promptly passed out. 

**Author's Note:**

> oK that's it no more animals—


End file.
